Attachment parenting and secure attachment are not the same thing.

Secure attachment means open expression of the full range of emotions from child to caretaker without the child having any defenses built up against these emotions, because the caretaker has proven to the child that they are reliable and capable of handling their emotions.

Scientifically, attachment is a personal connection and relationship that benefits and encourages a child’s emotional regulation and exploration of the world. Ultimately, it’s a proven trust of a caregiver’s capability and responsiveness when caring for the attached child.

The tactics used in attachment parenting can be beneficial, but they are not necessarily tied to creating a secure attachment for a child. Creating a secure attachment is about the quality of an interaction, as opposed to the act of interacting itself. Is there conscious presence, connection, and focused positive attention given in an interaction with a child? Are you regulated, in tune and responsive when interacting with your child? This is what truly matters when building secure attachment with our children.

There is no need to be perfect at all. For securely attached children it’s been shown that about 70% of the time on their average day, there are misalignments and missed signals between them and their caretakers. There’s a lot of grace and room for imperfection there! In that 70%, what matters most is whether the caretaker will repair those misalignments. In a securely attached child’s life, there is a cocktail of hits, misses and repair that provides just the right amount of comfort and stress to build a securely attached, well-adjusted child.

It is normal in secure attachment for a child to be easily upset by separation from a primary caregiver. However, the child should be easily and quickly soothed and able to go back to playful exploration upon the return of that caregiver. And though a securely attached child will show a preference for their primary caregivers over other people, the child should be able to form close relationships with others as well.

In secure attachment families, there is an obvious presence of communication from the right hemisphere to right hemisphere between the caregiver and the child’s brains. They read one another, the caregiver detecting the needs of the child both physical and emotional and the child determining the state of the world and the environment physically and emotionally by the expressions of and signals from the caregiver. This is why co-regulation is such a keyword in attachment. For the healthy and normal development of a child’s brain – structurally, socially, intellectually – they need a trusted guide in the world to help them learn and grow their ability to respond to all types of environments in a secure, intelligent, well-adjusted way. This is the role of the caregivers in a child’s life! They will guide the development of the child’s brain, perceived place in the world, sense of self and other and so much more. This is the importance of co-regulation.

Attachment types.

So, what happens when someone doesn’t get lucky with a secure attachment style and end up with an insecure attachment style?

Typically, everyone will fall into one of three types but can have a mixture: Ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized.

While you read, ask yourself if you can relate to any of these attachment styles or the relationships at home that typically cause these insecure attachments. This is important, because if you aren’t securely attached, it will be extremely difficult to raise a child with a secure attachment style. The bonus to learning how to regulate your own nervous system is that it also allows you to better co-regulate with your child when they are feeling rattled or emotionally overstimulated. If you aren’t properly regulated, neither is your child.

Anxious/Ambivalent attachment – Typically caused by sporadic and inconsistent affection and care that created the question for the child “Why is love randomly given and taken away from me?”

Common characteristics: Shyness, nervousness, anxiousness, hesitancy, difficulty accepting touch, low self-esteem, beliefs that love is an unimportant or meaningless sentiment while at the same time craving it and feeling unsure of it when they have it, fear of abandonment, separation anxiety, the sense of always waiting for something to go wrong in close personal relationships, difficulty communicating needs, attention seeking, self-blame for inconsistent love “It must be my fault.”

Avoidant attachment – Typically caused by neglectful and inconsistent affection and care, creating the question for the child “Why am I not worth being loved and cared for?”

Common Characteristics: Difficulty with emotional closeness, struggle to accept touch, craving love and affection but the more they get the more anxious or depressed they feel, fear of vulnerability, over-achieving/hyper independence, beliefs that close relationships are unnecessary or a liability, feeling cramped by long-term romantic relationships, subconsciously (or consciously) seeking romantic partners that don’t want a long-term commitment or aren’t fully available, struggle to trust others, self-contained, emotionally unavailable, difficulty with commitment.

Disorganized attachment – Typically caused by neglectful and inconsistent affection and care, not having physical or emotional needs met, and abuse (verbal, physical, emotional, sexual). Caretakers are often a source of fear and distress, but the child must rely on them for physical needs.

Common Characteristics: Unable to trust others, emotionally unavailable, difficulty with vulnerability, struggle to relate to others, seek close relationships but struggle with intimacy, self-abuse or harmful/negative viewpoints and behaviors towards people in close relationships, unsure of romantic partner’s intentions, emotional suppression, uncomfortable expressing/receiving affection, OCD-like behavior, rigidity, emotional outbursts/difficulty regulating emotions, frequent/semi-frequent freeze response, distancing from others, angry or violent outbursts, poor coping skills, low self-esteem, need for control.

The circumstances and experiences that create these insecure attachment styles in people are considered developmental trauma. Yes, some of it sounds more traumatic than others, but all of it is received by the child’s brain as trauma. Most of us have well-meaning parents and family members that were and are dealing with their own developmental trauma, or trauma from their adult lives. It is extremely important that we don’t put blame where it isn’t needed. If you have a child with insecure attachment, it’s not your fault. If you had a well-meaning parent who was dealing with their own difficult experiences and didn’t know any better, it’s not their fault. These insecure attachments can begin to be healed with TEB, self-awareness, a genuine desire to connect to ourselves and our loved ones, and FORGIVENESS. Forgiveness of ourselves, our families, and our children. We will all become better regulated and grow together.

Thank you for reading! If you want to explore how you can heal your attachment style and childhood wounds, or if you would like to know more about how to support your child with insecure attachment, please reach out.